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Epiphanies [Aug. 19th, 2015|10:23 pm]
girl

I had one a couple of days ago. I'm not good with words, so I won't try to explain it to you.

It's a ghost town here, but that's exactly why I like it (of course). I do however wish that fewer people deleted their journals. I like to read them sometimes. It's strange to me to read past discussions and remember nothing about them. Past lives.

Why do some things seem so far away that I almost question their reality, while others feel way to close to heart?

One of my life's goals for the past six years or so has been to read Proust. To get all the way through In Search of Lost Time. It is now on my Kindle and I have made one failed attempt at getting through it. I love parts of it, but it started putting me to sleep. I give up too easily. Always have.

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What to do when you realize you've been a horrible person most of your life? [Aug. 17th, 2015|11:25 am]
girl
I don't know the answer but I'm working on it. It's especially difficult because I haven't been horrible on purpose.
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What am I doing here? [Aug. 12th, 2015|06:02 pm]
girl
I am a grown ass woman, on this website that I haven't visited in years. Hanging out in my hometown is so depressing. What's worse: my poor daughter is watching too much TV these days because it's really hard to play and be engaging when you're sad and tired. We went to the museum today. Yesterday we made rainbow bubble snakes and planted some flower seeds. We should water them today. Don't forget to water them.

I have 19 more days to spend here. I miss my husband.
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(no subject) [Aug. 4th, 2008|07:03 pm]
girl
Today some lady at Costco accused me of being too young to drive. Specifically, she said I took the coupon for $80 off of a set of tires as if I had a car. When I said I do have a car, she said she thought I was a little girl, 13 or 14. Jesus. I could forgive as young as 20, but 13? That's on you bitch. That is you being an idiot.

I hate almost nothing more than people talking to me as if I am a child.

I'm 25 motherfuckers.

(and angry)

Other things I hate: people who think they are smarter than they are, people who don't use their blinkers, people who don't use turning lanes properly, people who drive over-sized SUVs and trucks.

That's right, bring it on gas prices. Ram those greedy, arrogant, space hogging shits in the ass.

(elements don't count)

I have a lot of aggression.

I don't have to work tomorrow. I still haven't done the laundry that I needed to do four days ago. I had falafel for dinner.
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(no subject) [Aug. 3rd, 2008|10:44 am]
girl
I think I'm only going to take three classes next semester. I'm really going to feel like a slacker, but with two jobs, and trying to enjoy my new apartment and take care of Costello, I really don't want to be miserably stressed out anymore.

I need to cancel an appointment with my doctor that is scheduled for tomorrow morning, but for some reason they have no answering machine. Just a looping message that states their office hours and what to do if it's an emergency. So I guess they can't get too mad at me when I call at 9am Monday, which is when they open, to cancel an appointment for 9:30am the same day. There have been plenty of occassions when I needed an emergency last minute appointment, so maybe someone else will be able to take mine.

I don't think there will ever be another time when I am not tired. I'm pretty sure I got nine hours of sleep last night, though I did wake up around 1:30 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep for a while. I'm going to have to get some caffeine before work today. suck.
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(no subject) [Jul. 30th, 2008|01:49 am]
girl
I went into my Cal 3 final with a 99 average. I'm lucky if I came out with a B, and I'm guessing it will be a C. I don't know what happened. I mean, I know I didn't do most of the homework or review the old tests. I know my brain has refused to retain any information the past few days. Maybe weeks. And I know that I always think I do poorly on tests so people don't believe me anymore. But I swear, there has only been one other time when I thought I would be lucky to make a B, and I ended up with a C in that class. Of course, she was evil, but still.

Anyway, I cried and I ate something, finally, I had a beer and I fell asleep trying to watch a movie. I feel kind of worthless and like maybe I have no right to be pursuing a math degree. And I'm wondering, how am I going to pass the actuarial exams if I can't even pass a Cal 3 final?

Maybe Dr. Cueva-Parra will feel sorry for me and give me a B. I'd take it. It's just a shitty time to completely lose my mind. I'm not even excited about the semester being over.

I think I'm going to have to give myself a break next semester. Take three classes instead of five.
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(no subject) [Jul. 25th, 2008|12:56 pm]
girl
I got a new dress in the mail today. A Cool, Cool Water Dress from Anthropologie to be specific (because specifics are important). I ordered the dress when I found out that I pretty much had the tutoring job in the bag, and I figured surely I could afford a new dress every now and then. But it was back ordered for a while. Then I got the job at World Market as well. Two part-time jobs and a student loan. But I started to worry when I realized that with my hours and barely over minimum wage pay, it would take me a little over a week at one of my jobs to pay for this dress that I'm wearing. I don't think I'll be buying any more dresses for a while.

I also don't think I will have internet or cable when I move. Which will be a good thing for financial management and time management. My Anthropologie obsession will have to be restricted to catalogs, computer labs, and visiting the folks. But they have the cutest little cardigan with little fishes swimming across it...

I'm not buying any more clothes until January. Except for a pair of shoes for work. Because my feet hurt. That's five months, which is nothing really.
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(no subject) [Jul. 24th, 2008|09:12 pm]
girl
I'm not going to try to be funny because I'm pretty sure that only one or two people ever get my jokes. Hello.

I had forgotten about livejournal and I was thinking that everyone has probably forgotten about livejournal, now that there are fancy things like myspace and facebook. But I have a lot on my mind. Such as, if I start studying for my multivariable calculus final tomorrow, will I remember anything on Tuesday? If I don't start tomorrow, when am I going to have time to study? I have four other finals to work on, a wedding to go to, work and work and work. and work. Is it too soon to be resentful, just two weeks in?

One day I'm going to graduate, and I'm going to make big bucks and live on $20,000 a year so that I can retire early. That's a plan.

I'm getting off of the processed sugars. That shit will fuck you up. I think that's what is fucking me up. Actually, I'm probably just tired. And pre-menstrual. And weird. But the processed sugars don't help.

I think I'll go to bed now.
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(no subject) [Oct. 28th, 2007|02:44 pm]
girl
So I'm killing this journal slowly, kind of like how I'm killing everything else and everything else is killing me. It's a chore.

I guess I'll just leave some lyrics here, Ani, Aimee, Ben. I'll even throw in a little Baudelaire, apparently. Whatever.
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(no subject) [Oct. 28th, 2007|11:28 am]
girl
it's rock paper scissors as to whether
i will get over you at all
it's hand against hand and both hands are mine
it's standing in a circular line
which is not to say that i'm not also happy
a happy meal with a surprise inside
surprise surprise here's another bright light in your eyes
exposing all the stuff you're not calculating enough to hide

this melancholy that i carry makes me feel so grown up
at my kitchen table doing shots of resignation
i never thought i'd see the day when i would say i give up
and break the stallions of my wildest expectations

i do not want to know you this way
surrounded by so much pain
but how am i supposed to let go of you this way
like a bird into the sky of my brain?

i think i could accept all these dark colors
as just part of some bigger color scheme
if it wasn't for that drippy string quartet of sadness
underscoring each smiling scene
desire drags me right out of myself
like a gas-soaked rope tied to a piece of coal
and i'm getting pretty good at looking at the bright side
while the flames rip along the sand and swallow me whole

but this melancholy that i carry makes me feel so grown up
at my kitchen table doing shots of resignation
i never thought i'd see the day when i would say i give up
and break the stallions of my wildest expectations

but i do not want to know you this way
surrounded by so much pain
but how am i supposed to let go of you this way
like a bird into the sky of my brain?
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